35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week

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  • 01
    Róisín Lanigan @rosielanners amazing to think we likely won't see another simultaneous lent, chinese new year, ramadan and disgraced member of the british royal family being arrested in our lifetime 5:42 AM 2/19/26.1M Views 113 14K 118K ☐ 3.5K ↑
  • 02
    cats with powerful impression... ❤ @catshealdeprsn The kind of photo that deserves to be in an IKEA catalog C.
  • 03
    Benny Boy @Camel_Crushin You can just take a picture of a tortoise and say it's 192 years old. Nobody checks that shit. 8:49 AM 2/21/26 1.2M Views 319 17 7.1K 114K 1.4K ↑
  • 04
    Drew Bricks @DrewBricks The children yearn for the Maersk Duel-Fuel Container Vessel Brick Built Blogs @BlogsBrick-7h Lego Maersk Duel-Fuel Container Vessel revealed! 1516 Pieces $149.99 / 1st March 2026 #Lego #Legonews #Legoleaks LEGO 12+ 40955 Maersk Dual-FuN Container Vessel 1516 pcs MAERSK MAERSK ANE MERSK THE TO ZERO 10:30 AM 2/12/26 · 283K Views ANE MÆRSK F
  • 05
    dj pauly d @smellagillis my father is bisexual so this is his shelf in his freezer that he only uses for chilling martini glasses. he will get mad and start yelling about how no one respects him if we put anything else up there. ster Oven
  • 06
    Wiz Fajita @trillary_banks_ I wanted to keep my daughter out of school tomorrow so we could just chill, go to brunch, and have fun playing hooky, and that little dweeb was like no girl.. I'm going to school. 7:18 PM 2/18/26.2M Views . 499 17 5.4K nerd 148K 3.1K 企
  • 07
    nagy @okthisisnagy Plasma physics cannot be a real field they got meow squared in the denominator 1-14-1-x-iZ X = pe 3 e²ne melow2 X is the scaled electron 10:55 AM 2/13/26 777K Views 157 1 5.9K Y Y is the 74K ☐ 3.8K ↑
  • 08
    emily bengaltiger @emilyjobot my parents, who just let me live with them for 3 months on 2 weeks notice, asked me to take them to the airport for their vacation so they don't have to park the car and when i said yes my dad said "we owe you big time" Imao sir this doesn't even make a DENT . 7:18 PM 2/12/26 1.8M Views 164 818 81K 1.2K ↑
  • 09
    Lauren @libralaur I saw wuthering heights and it was hard for me to take it seriously because the costume design for the movie was literally this
  • 10
    Dividend Hero @HeroDividend A two income household is literally the best so whatever you do in this life make sure your wife has two jobs 8:10 PM 2/20/26 1.5M Views 223 1 5.3K 71K 2.4K
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    CallUnc @Callunc How I look when my manager finds me in my fav hiding spot at work
  • 12
    NO No filter Skin @NoFilterSkin Wait... how did I just notice these 3 apps literally spell "OMG"? Omg M G Chrome Gmail Google • 12:52 PM 2/21/26 2.5M Views 316 175.8K 72K ☐ 2.1K
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    Django Gold @django seems my ex-wife has child custodymogged me due to my neglectmaxxing 10:58 PM 2/19/26 3.2M Views 175 17 7.6K 133K ☐ 5.8K ↑
  • 14
    cy @ceramickz friend started streaming on discord and this is their homescreen 9:57 < + M DQ יון 334 McDonald's Dairy Quee... DoorDash Taco Bell Domino's BURGER KING Wendy's Chick-fil-A KFC Burger King Krispy Kre... D Jersey Mike SUBS JJ WING STOP Jersey Mik... Jimmy Jo... Popeyes Wingstop Little Caes... Arbys Olive Ganden Arby's EXAS now Denny's Olive Gard... Texas Roa... 7NOW Del... Denny's DUNKIN' ІнОр crumbl S Dunkin' IHOP Applebee's Crumbl Chili's Spotify
  • 15
    JPCampbellBiz @JP Biz Ok brother, do you think you could make Outlook search work when you have a minute? unusual_whales @unusual_whales 2/12/26 Microsoft AI CEO, Mustafa Suleyman, says that "most, if not all, professional tasks" undertaken by white collar workers will be fully automated by Al within the next 12 to 18 months 3:32 AM 2/13/26 1.7M Views 274 17 3.2K 51K 715 ↑
  • 16
    00 space cowboy @xiaolongbaoww i just want to talk about this HELLO, I'M PAPER BOTTLE. innisfree Green Tea Seed Sen 541FLOz/160mL 4:20 AM 2/21/26 - 12M Views 968 18K 435K ☐ 9.3K ↑
  • 17
    bianca the band the show the m... @biancalovesfilm "GEN Z IS NOT DRINKING" "GEN Z IS CELIBATE" "GEN Z DOESN'T..." I have 100 years of movies to catch up on d n give me a second b 11:52 PM 2/21/26 1.4M Views . . 128 12K 144K 3.8K ↑
  • 18
    Zik⭑♥ @_Gottalovezik i hate when ppl email back too quickly. i just ticked that off my todo list, now i gotta add this to the list again 2:12 PM 2/21/26.963K Views 67 4.1K 55K ☐ 706 ↑
  • 19
    Invis ✰✰ @invis4yo I just accidentally closed a tab I meant to read 2 years ago From acervinho . 11:07 AM 2/21/26 3M Views 296 17 18K 271K ☐ 7.6K ↑ 0× 8
  • 20
    Evan Lazarus @elazie_ Went on a date... Were the date never showed up. So I pretended to never have left the bar. 4:29 -> i'm just getting <723 COMOITOW? perfect 6:30/7? Zd do ㅁㅁ Zach > Let's do tmr Same place 7:00? Edited Yesterday 6:29 PM Still on? Yesterday 11:03 PM How we feeling? Are you on your way? Today 7:32 AM So I should close my tab? Today 1:52 PM I'm holding the table one more hour then I'm out Today 4:27 PM They are asking me to give up the table + iMessage Should I wait Delivered 1
  • 21
    Johan @Adityapandeydev POV: how x, y and z felt after leaving the alphabet and joining mathematics 4:05 AM 2/21/26.5.3M Views • 485 17 20K 습 183K 9.3K 企
  • 22
    hb @h3xenbrenner2 (Hasn't won a single one)well, you can't win them all . 4:23 PM 2/21/26 1.7M Views 46 12K 86K ☐ 2.9K ↑
  • 23
    Simon Harley @simonharley I'm impressed they got a quote from eagles. NEW YORK POST New York Post @nypost. 2d Famous California bald eagle couple threatened by luxury housing: 'We don't have much time' trib.al/ Hx8Lbdp 3:18 PM 2/21/26 2.5M Views 286 17 8.5K 135K ☐ 2.5K 企
  • 24
    UTSCH kora @ilyasroza thought this was a scarily skinny and hairy neck doxie @doxie_gay. 1d i'm lowkey in a financial ruin i may never recover from 4:14 PM 2/22/26 22M Views 1.5K 15K 385K 14K
  • 25
    spochadóir @spochadoir discovered today that cause heavier people gain more momentum theres a weight limit in the Skeleton in the winter olympics. cannot explain how utterly enraged i am. let us see some big freaks absolute fire themselves down the track. let the big boys break some records 8:26 AM 2/15/26 521K Views 71 17 730 30K 619
  • 26
    @heavensbvnny I love people with ADHD because they never actually forget anything. You just have to say the right words to activate them like a sleeper cell and then they awaken with all of the knowledge on a very niche subject they studied for 3 months straight 6 years ago. 11:22 PM 2/15/26 1.3M Views . 376 17 9.6K 88K 7.1K 企
  • 27
    Mo @fruitpibble how it feels bothering the same 3 people everyday GIF ALT 6:55 AM 2/12/26 4.6M Views 299 16K 122K ☐ 14K ↑
  • 28
    Pima County Sheriff's Department @PimaSheriff We can't believe we have to say this, but media on scene: please do not order food delivery to a crime scene address. This interferes with an active investigation. Please also respect private property laws. Thank you. 4:40 PM 2/10/26 1M Views 888 1 1K 7.5K ☐ 427 企
  • 29
    JT @jiratickets Knew a dude who emailed the IT guy directly instead of submitting a ticket and they blew his sh smoove off • 11:42 AM 2/10/26 3.5M Views 317 15.5K 110K ☐ 4.8K ↑
  • 30
    bridget @DUNKACCINO just finished a 5 minute long task I could have done a week ago 0:09 From luca's media 6:39 PM 2/10/26 1.3M Views 39 17 8.9K 습 127K ☐ 4.2K 企
  • 31
    indi.ca @indica I am the only person in my family that can torrent. My parents couldn't and my children don't have to. All this knowledge will di with me. Like tears in rain. 2:12 AM 2/9/26 1.6M Views 311 17 8.5K 66K 2.9K ↑
  • 32
    Joe Pontillo @JoePontillo If I have to pay $6 to rent a 40 year old movie off Amazon when I have a Prime subscription then we should just reopen Blockbuster. I'd rather have their employees judge my life choices. 6:06 PM 2/14/26 2.3M Views • 1.1K 17 15K 181K ☐ 1.8K ↑
  • 33
    praizarts. @Praizartsofnau What if the inventor of umbrella wanted to call it "brella" but he hesitated? • 4:09 AM 2/12/26 1.3M Views 541 12K 91K ☐ 2.6K ↑
  • 34
    Justin @TiredBambooLaw I'm sorry I just found out that the hockey goalie for Team USA has an Instagram account where all she does is rate Ceasar Salads. I love my country so much sometimes. 9:15 PM 2/10/26 1.9M Views 160 17 3.2K 91K ☐ 3.3K 1
  • 35
    Dubzy ❤ @DubzyOnceAgain Sometimes I spoil my woman when she doesn't even deserve it TAVAN KITCHEN Garde Olive 5:52 PM 2/22/26 414K Views 賢 WIENERS WARM AND EADY ZONE
  • 36
    staxxx ✔ @papiwontmiss My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1985 and didn't try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled "Get the h I out of here Dennis" and that's probably my favorite story ever. 1:57 PM 2/23/26 736K Views . 165 1.4K 25K 957 ↑
  • 37
    kimi @kimichkis amber glenn opening magic the gathering booster packs on the olympic games closing ceremony and alysa filming her i'm deaddd レノ・コラヤメヤ 50se コンテン XER A2U MYJO BU AZU ם OS 蛋 MAST МАЗГ From do NOT follow/interact • LILI... . 11:20 AM 2/23/26 1.2M Views 2 171.9K הנו * 39K 2.6K ↑
  • 38
    grace @0xgrace > return flight to nyc gets canceled by snowstorm > call united > immediately connected with customer service (rare) > voice is uncanny, def Al but they gave it a human-like accent > takes ~20 min to get rebooked (pretty good imo) > I ask if it's Al > "haha no ma'am but I get that a lot" > I ask it to calculate 228*6647 > it runs the calculation > ggs 9:37 AM 2/23/26 2.7M Views 262 17 1.6K 92K 3.7K 企

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